The Key Goblin's Key Tree

Disclaimer: this key tree is in no way meant to idolize key goblins.

A true key goblin is a vile and hideous creature. They build their lairs in the basements, attics and crawl spaces of peoples' homes. They exist solely to annoy and perplex human beings. Although they are small, they are certainly not cute or enduring in any way. They constantly nab people's socks. They take your keys when they can get away with it. These goblins do not need to eat food. Their nourishment comes from human misfortune and bewilderment.

This key tree is meant to raise awareness of key goblins. They don't build Christmas trees for any nice purpose. They don't celebrate the birth of baby Jesus and they definitely don't care about spring returning to the earth. The only reason goblins build Christmas trees is out of envy. Key goblins want everything that humans have... unfortunately, every living thing touched by a key goblin quickly dies and withers away (except for cockroaches).

These key goblins look like miniature anorexic cyclops. They are bald with misshapen heads and hide in the shadows. They are pitch black from the inside out. The only light part on a key goblin is its one green eye. This is probably where the term green-eyed monster comes from.

The next time you lose your keys or notice that most of your socks have become mysteriously autonomous, don't let it get you down. You see, when people stop feeling confused and self-loathing at the loss of small objects and come to realize that key goblins are responsible, then the loathsome creatures will slowly cease to be and the world will become a happier (but more boring) place.